Desire and Attachment

How are you now? I think you forgot that samsara is in the nature of only suffering. Even samsaric pleasure, sense pleasure, like sex, whatever someone thinks is the greatest pleasure, with the most handsome person, or deva or deva girl, the most beautiful one, so that is suffering. It is in the nature of suffering, the suffering of change, and that came from pervading compounded suffering.

Pleasure with attachment—clinging to this life’s pleasures or mundane worldly pleasures, clinging with the self-cherishing thought—of course, it is only in the nature of suffering.

My most dear, most kind, most precious, wish-fulfilling one,
How are you? I heard you are still with the same mind, kind of sick, thinking about [your former partner], but he doesn’t want you; he wants to be with another person. This is a common problem in the world. You may think you are the only one with this problem, but it is a common problem in the world. The details I already explained to you before, but this way, I may not have explained. It’s similar advice, but maybe easier to understand.

Generally, we should be aware that what we see is what appears to us, and what appears to us depends on what our mind labels. What we hear, what we smell, everything depends on how it appears, and that depends on what our mind labels. Everything is labeled, but in reality, things are merely labeled, that’s what they really are, in mere name, merely labeled by the mind.

Maybe I explained before, for example, when we were a child, before teachers and parents teach us that the letter is named Z, then we just see the lines of Z. Before we are taught that it is Z, we just see a line and we don’t see that it is Z at all. We see Z, but we don’t think “This is Z.” Then somebody, a teacher or somebody, introduces us, saying, “This is Z.” Then we follow that and believe in that, then our mind labels Z and we believe in that. In reality our mind labels Z, depending on that base, the lines, and we believe in that. Relating to that base, our mind merely imputes Z, merely there.

Then first, after that, there is the appearance of Z from there. For ordinary beings, for the sentient beings, not Buddha, but for sentient beings, Z appears from there. Then after that, we see Z. The Z that we see comes from our own mind. The Z that we see appears from there and the Z which appears from there, came from our mind. This is because we believe what the other person taught us, then our mind not only labels, but merely labels, by relating to that base. So it is clear it came from our mind. It exists, but it came from our mind. Even that which exists came from our mind, and not only that, that which doesn’t exist—the hallucination—came from our mind.

Of course, in reality, Z exists in mere name, merely labeled by the mind, relating to that base. It depends on that. That is the first second, then in the next second the Z that is supposed to appear to us, that’s merely labeled by the mind, just as in the second before that does not happen to us, because we haven’t realized emptiness. It is because of that.

Because we haven’t realized emptiness, the ultimate reality, it appears as Z from there, from the object’s side. Then we see it as very gross, merely labeled by mind, existing from its own side, only existing from its own side. It’s a very gross hallucination, never labeled by the mind, by our mind. Then we see Z existing from its own side, and we see Z there, which means on that base. Z there, which is also existing from its own side, appearing from its own side, that appearance happened.

That appearance is projected or decorated on that base by the negative imprints left on the mental continuum. Actually, from beginningless rebirths it’s left there on the mental continuum by the wrong concept, ignorance, holding the I as not existing in mere name, but as a real one, appearing from there. Even in the past, in the same way the ignorance, the wrong concept, leaves negative imprints on the mental continuum. So usually right after the mind merely imputes, we are not aware of that, we don’t realize that, then it is projected or decorated by the negative imprint, it exists there on the base, existing from there, it’s there and it is existing from there, but that is a total hallucination.

Please understand how the Z came from the mind, first of all, it came from our own mind, the Z that we see. Please understand this. Even if it is just an intellectual understanding, we need to recognize this.

So now, like that, it is the same with the I. We have a false I, existing there on the aggregates, appearing from there, but in reality that is a hallucination, a total hallucination. Then all the rest of phenomena, which appear to us, which we see, which we hear, which appear to our sensory ear, the sounds we hear with our ear, and the same with the smell, the real smell from there, and the real [touch], soft and gentle, from there, everything came from our mind. That’s the hallucination we have; the biggest hallucination.

Our whole life is like this—what exists is merely labeled by the mind, and because there is the base, the valid base, it exists not on that base, but it exists due to that base. This is the biggest suffering and all our suffering comes from this wrong concept, this ignorance, this wrong belief, this wrong appearance, this hallucination. So for our whole life we live in the hallucination. Recognizing this is the biggest shock of our life; to recognize this, to realize the truth, the ultimate reality, the emptiness of the I.

The Buddha doesn’t have this hallucination. The Buddha sees what we merely labeled, that things exist in mere name, the Buddha sees that, but the Buddha doesn’t have the truly existent appearance of I or anything. For the Buddha’s senses, Buddha doesn’t have a truly existent hallucination of form, sound, smell, taste, tangible, nothing. Buddha doesn’t have that. Buddha sees all these things that have a valid base exist in mere name. Buddha sees that our life is in a total hallucination.

For example, there is an audience that the magician creates illusions for, such as creating the appearance of golden elephants, jewels, palaces, unbelievable things. The magician can transform a whole city, a real city, and there are people in the audience who believe it is real. For us, it is like those people in the audience who believe whatever they see. Whatever the magician transforms, the audience believes it is real. So we can see it is an unbelievable, total hallucination, and we are living in that in our life.

When we start to realize emptiness, through meditating, by collecting merit and doing so much purification at the same time, and by developing guru devotion, seeing the guru as a buddha, then we start to realize, to recognize this.

For example, true existence—that appearance is the object to be refuted. It’s a wrong object. The minute we realize that, then we lose that hallucination, the truly existent I, then we see that the truly existent I is totally empty, no way it exists. By realizing that more and more, then we realize that the I exists [in mere name]. It’s not that there is no I—that is nihilism—the I exists, but it exists in mere name, that which is unbelievably most subtle, the way the I exists.

This is unbelievable, the most interesting thing. So like that, the magician himself or the audience knows everything is transformed by the magician, so they know all of this is not true, what he transformed. So it is not true. It is like arya beings, who are not enlightened beings. Arya beings directly see emptiness, the ultimate reality, the emptiness of the I and all phenomena. [They recognize] that the I and phenomena exist in mere name and because of existing in mere name, they function in mere name.

So there is suffering because of creating the cause of suffering, in mere name, and we experience happiness because of creating the cause of happiness, virtue, in mere name. Sentient beings who are not buddhas, and aryas who are not bodhisattvas, and bodhisattvas who are aryas, can have the wisdom realizing emptiness of everything, but they still have the hallucination, that phenomena exist from their own side. Like, for example, people who recognize the dream as a dream. Those who don’t recognize the dream as a dream are like us, who haven’t realized emptiness, the ultimate nature.

Those arya beings who realize emptiness, who directly see emptiness, still have the hallucination, the appearance, but they don’t have the belief that it is true. They know that it is false. That is why I am saying it’s like the people who recognize that it is not real. They recognize the dream as a dream. They still have the appearance, but they recognize the dream as a dream; they understand it is not real.

There are some people in the audience that the magician can’t create an illusion for. They can see the reality, that it’s not really a golden elephant or a jewel palace or those unbelievable things, but they can have the knowledge and they can see it that way. That is what it is like for the Buddha.

I hope you really go through this, as I have spent much time explaining this to you. I really hope you go through the analysis, so that this becomes a very important meditation for you. It’s an instruction for peace and happiness for you, not a distraction for your life and for your mind. You can do the meditation by relating to that man who you have unbelievable, unbelievable, unbelievable, most unbelievable attachment for. You can use the example of the Z that I gave you and then also do the meditation. Or you can do the analysis on the I, especially on that man.

Basically, how you see that man, how he appears to you, how you see him, is as though he is something that is most wonderful thing in the world, and if you stay with him there will only be great bliss and no problems. But that is not true. Normally we have this judgment all the time, with every boyfriend, every girlfriend, every husband. Even though we have already gone through so many relationship problems, we start the same thing with another person. We have already separated, but when we meet someone new, the same hallucination and the same concept comes. We don’t realize that we will suffer with that person, we never think that, but that’s what is going to happen in reality, more and more.

I think I must have explained this before, beginning like this. I’ve explained this so many times. If we have money we might spend a million dollars or more than that, or we borrow money from the bank, or if we don’t have money, then we become full of debt which is difficult to repay in our life. We may spend all that money to get that person that we are so attached to.

Let me explain the common experience. Even if you are so attached, before living together, feeling unbelievably attached and you think there is only bliss, no problems, you never think of the problems or that you will experience separation. Finally, you start living together, then you see them in the morning as a friend and the next day they can be your enemy. That person is no longer the object of your attachment; you find some mistakes and you see something that attachment doesn’t agree with. Your self-cherishing doesn’t agree, but actually after one week they can become the enemy and then you are already worried about how you can be free from that person and when you can be free—at the end of the week or the end of the month. It is like that.

I know a student in Hong Kong who after their marriage, which was arranged by the family, after living together for two days, she felt like she was living in prison and she wanted to be free from that person. Her husband made noise in his sleep and the wife never got to sleep at night-time. She wanted to be free from that man even after just two days; she felt like she was in prison.

Another example is being very attached and then after the wedding, or even during the wedding, or at the beach, the lake or in the ocean, the wife, even though she is still in her wedding dress, falls down in the water and dies, or she dies during the wedding or the next day. It could be the husband or the wife. So these things do happen.

We think there will be only bliss, incredible happiness, if we stay with that person, and especially before we live together, we have this feeling more. Then after living together longer and longer, we see their mistakes more and more, like we see how selfish that person is or how impatient they are, or we see their anger or how much jealousy they have, from our side, the husband’s side or the wife’s side. This is the story of what usually happens in the world.

Even though the husband and wife live physically together, mentally they are not living together and the wife thinks, “When can I be free from that man?” It is like a prison. So many people have this experience, but they can’t express it. It takes time. Also, the husband sees the mistakes more and more, and has less interest. As they live together they see more and more mistakes and have less and less interest. Then after the child is born, all the concentration, more and more focus goes on the child, then the husband doesn’t love the wife anymore and the wife doesn’t love the husband anymore. It all goes on the child. The husband just makes the money and the wife just looks after the children and it becomes more like a business, with a totally different focus from the previous time, especially before living together, how they thought it would be.

What makes the relationship last longer is living together with loving kindness—not conditional love, but unconditional love, loving kindness, without any expectation to get what our attachment mind wants. Not doing what our self-cherishing mind wants, but purely from our side helping that person to have more happiness. Causing that person to have more happiness and having compassion without any expectation, wanting to free them from suffering and wanting to cause that.

Even if the other person is very selfish, very angry, if we have a good heart then after some time the other person will learn from us how to be goodhearted. They will learn from us. So that’s how we can help to bring peace and happiness in the world, starting with our friends, and then the world.

If you have a good heart, unconditional loving kindness and compassion; if you want to know how to have a happy life, a long-lasting happy life, real peace and happiness, then it is with this positive mind, a sincere mind, a good heart. To understand this, you really need to think well about this.

Lama Tsongkhapa said in the Lamrim Chenmo that exaggeration occurs due to ignorance and we discriminate, “This is good, this is bad.” Then after that, attachment and anger arises, because we exaggerate good and bad. From the view of the logicians, by using logical reasons, we can prove that the objects of anger and attachment are false; that they do not exist [inherently]. Then we are able to eliminate the wrong concepts of anger and attachment, and also ignorance (that which started first).

So you have to meditate on this. I gave the explanation to you already, last time. This is so important what Lama Tsongkhapa explained, so meditate on this using your [former partner], the appearance.

Thank you very much. I explained what the best relationship is, by having unconditional loving kindness and compassion without expectation of receiving something back, but sincerely from the heart wishing to free that person from suffering. That is great compassion—when you want to help them by yourself, sincerely from your heart.

For example, the buddhas and bodhisattvas—I might have mentioned this last time—even those who harm them, still they benefit them so much, they help them. Even in return for receiving harm from those sentient beings, the buddhas and bodhisattvas generate strong compassion especially for them. This is what the buddhas and bodhisattvas do.

One time, the bodhisattva Thogme Zangpo, who wrote the very beneficial teaching The Thirty-seven Practices of a Bodhisattva, went to a monastery to give teachings and then he received many offerings from the people there. On his way back to his monastery he met some robbers who tied him up with ropes. The servants were beaten by the robbers and they took all the things that had been offered to Thogme Zangpo, but then he completely dedicated and in his mind he offered everything to the robbers.

The robbers were planning to then go to the monastery to also steal, so that lama pointed to the road where they should go. There seems to be some story like that.

There was a time in that area when these robbers were imprisoned, so maybe at that time, at another time, the lama came and heard the robbers were in prison. He asked if he could please, please free those people, so that they could be free and instead of them, he could be put in prison. The lama begged for this. So I think those people gave the lama a hard time, but they let that happen according to the lama’s wish. They let the robbers be free. They couldn’t put the lama in prison but they let the robbers free, so this happened, as an example.

There is a story of the Buddha in Namo Buddha in Nepal. There was a mother tiger and five tiger cubs which were dying of starvation. This was before the Buddha became a buddha, so he was a bodhisattva, and he was with Maitreya Buddha. Together they went and they saw the mother tiger and her five starving cubs, but then they came back. Then the Buddha went back alone to where the starving tigers were. He laid down to give his holy body to the starving tigers, but they couldn’t eat because they were so weak. So the Buddha found something in the grass to cut his skin, to produce blood from his neck. Then the tiger and her five cubs came to lick that, because they were starving. The cubs with the mother tiger then ate the holy body.

Buddha made the prayer with compassion and because from his side he only wished to benefit them, he prayed that the five cubs and mother tiger would become his disciples. He prayed that they would in the future become his disciples. Later, when he was Buddha and he was in India in Sarnath, where he first turned the wheel of Dharma, then due to his prayer, when the Buddha taught the four noble truths—which are very, very important and the base of Buddhism—his first disciples, those who heard his first teaching, in their past life they were those tigers who had eaten the Buddha’s holy body. 

This story is just one example, but there are numberless stories about the time when the Buddha was a bodhisattva and what he did. But I don’t want to carry on. I don’t want you to get sick from my long talk. I don’t want you to get the virus from my long talk.

Thank you very much. I am just wanting to help you understand about life, what is right and what is wrong, that’s all. Thank you very much. I hope you might spend a little time to think, to analyze. Thank you very much.

With much love and prayers,

Lama Zopa

P.S. By following not the loving kindness, but following love that is attachment, clinging, it’s like being stuck like glue, sticking to that person, being absorbed in that. So now, yes, you have so much attachment when you think like that and then by following that view, then you see someone who is better, more handsome etc., then you lose interest in the person you were attached to before. Then you have more attachment to the more handsome one. You see somebody else and you have desire to be one with that. Then the less handsome or ugly one, by seeing the more beautiful one, then the one you were more attached to before now becomes more ugly—either too ugly or more ugly.

Then again, while you are not seeing the more beautiful person, then it’s OK, but when you see the one who is more beautiful, then you see the other person as more ugly or totally ugly.

So it is like that from the woman’s side, and from the man’s side it is also like that. From the man’s side also, when they don’t think about others, then they are very attached to [their partner.] Later they are attached not to [their partner] but to someone that they meet. When they see someone more beautiful, then they will see the person that they were so attached to as totally ugly or more ugly, so it goes on like that. If we follow love, which is desire and attachment, as I said before, it causes so many other delusions—jealousy and so much anger and desire—to arise. So many delusions arise from that attachment; so many problems come in the lifetime.

As I mentioned before, loving kindness that is pure, wanting to cause happiness to that person without expectation for yourself—unconditional loving kindness and similarly compassion—that is very good.

There can be somebody with so much suffering and we have so much compassion for them. Then for somebody else we may have less compassion and less loving kindness; that may be possible for us ordinary beings. How to live the life and what to practice, what we think—that is the purpose of life.

The good qualities of mind are to be developed, otherwise we create so much suffering with a negative mind and attachment to this life. Then from there, anger comes and also ignorance comes. All our problems come from the ignorance, the root, not knowing the nature of the I, the ultimate reality of the I and not knowing the nature of the object, the ultimate reality and so forth. The ultimate nature of the object is that which exists in mere name, so it does not exist at all from its own side.

In our life everything exists on there, on the base, and it exists from there, from the object’s side, but that is totally wrong. Even logically we can prove that this is a hallucination and also we can prove it from our own experience. So, thank you very, very much. Now it is up to you. I explained what is false and what is reality, what is the truth. So, thank you very much.

That [your boyfriend] got more attachment to the new girl, but you, from your side are so attached to him, so from this, you are suffering so much. There could also be jealousy for the new girl, however, this is not the first time, as I already explained, that with samsaric desire, attachment, the relationship cannot last. From his side when he sees many other beautiful girls, like now, then the mind gets stuck and goes with that, and then he would like to be with all those girls.

And whoever is the most handsome boy, you will later see this boy as ugly and the other ones as so beautiful. Then your mind will get stuck with that, stuck like glue; the mind gets stuck with attachment. It is like glue and you cannot separate from that object, the boy. Then you suffer on and on. This is what happens in the world.

This is not the first time, this life experience. What I want to tell you, extra, is that there is no first time. This [situation] with the boy, you have been experiencing like this from beginningless rebirths, even relating to you and to him—he related to you, and you related to him. This has been happening numberless times from beginningless rebirths, and not only that, just thinking of [his feelings] toward you and yours toward him, from beginningless rebirths it has been like that. Even that is most unbelievable, unbelievable, most unbelievably shocking. So like this you have been with your mother and with every sentient being, with numberless hell beings, numberless hungry ghosts, numberless animals, numberless humans, numberless asuras, numberless suras, and of the numberless animals, the numberless ants, numberless mosquitoes, numberless sea horses, numberless octopuses. The relationships have been like this. Wow, wow, wow.

You know, you have been the wife of everybody, all of us, everybody, and we have been your husband or your wife numberless times already, from beginningless rebirths. You have to know that. The whole thing, the world and people are suffering so much, but we are thinking only about now, this minute, only today. I mean just this life is basically just now. Then there is so much suffering and totally limited education, limited experience, limited inside. Wow, wow, wow! We are basically like this, if we look at the overall view.

You have to understand this, so I explained it the correct way, that the relationship that lasts a long time is based on loving kindness, not samsaric desire.

Samsaric desire brings these problems, so what you are suffering and how much you are suffering now, that is the problem of samsaric desire, having so much desire for him. Then he sometimes desires others, but you want him to be attached to you, not to that person. Then he can’t do that and he has so much suffering, of course. It is so good to know the whole view—past, present and future.

Also in the future, continuously, for as long as we are in samsara, as long as we follow the root of samsara, ignorance, and the self-cherishing thought, ignorance, anger and attachment, then continuously we will also experience the same thing in the future that we experienced in the past. We will experience this incredible suffering with all the sentient beings again and again.

Thank you very, very much. I hope you understand a little bit after all this. Thank you very, very much.

With much love and prayers ...

My most dear, most kind, most precious, wish-fulfilling one,
Thank you for your email. In relation to your attachment to men, my advice is bodhicitta practice. Live your life for other sentient beings, not just for your family and children; that is just attachment. So most important is bodhicitta, only cherishing sentient beings. Live with bodhicitta day and night, as a remedy for attachment. I am suggesting that you listen to all—yes all—of the teachings given from Kopan during the pandemic. Listen to all of them from beginning to end.

All the animals in the river and in the oceans, even the seahorses, have sex and make babies. So what? In their view, they have attachment toward their own animal species, but that is nothing special. They have had habitual attachment since beginningless rebirths. They follow habit, and habit follows what it wants. Think of the man’s body inside—there is the skeleton, pus, blood, meat hanging out, whatever—and get scared. Are you attached to the meat? To the blood? To the pipi? To the kaka? To the skeleton?

Now the body is covered by skin, but once the mind leaves there is a terrible smell. Meditate on these things. The life that follows attachment and sex becomes so difficult for future lifetimes—not just for one hundred lifetimes or five hundred lifetimes, but on and on.

Samsara is in the nature of suffering. With attachment we wander in our permanent address of the three lower realms, then this life’s bad habits leads to suffering and bad habits in the next life, and then that leads to future lives’ sufferings and bad habits, and so it goes on and on.

So in this way you miss out on liberation. You don’t get that, and forget about enlightenment for yourself or freeing the limitless sentient beings from the oceans of samsaric sufferings and bringing them to enlightenment.

The main method that you have to use against attachment to men is to think of the inside of their body, not just for one second, but on and on.

I want you to have this karma card with quote. Please read this and meditate on this. Maybe you can print this card and frame it and keep it so you look at it.

Four immeasurable thoughts recitations: this practice is so good. It keeps the mind away from attachment and sex, so you can have a very good vacation from attachment and sex. Even if you have sex with all the men in your city, still it would not be enough. There is no satisfaction. Also think we have done this with everyone since beginningless time, having sex in this way, sometimes as the man, sometimes as the woman. So we already have done this, but we don’t remember. We need to understand that all sentient beings have been our mother and our father. Then it’s easy to understand that we have done all of this already, in the different roles, many times, but still we are in samsara and still suffering, so we still can’t help others. This is very sad. Sorry.

The conclusion is that however many times you try that experience, still you never get satisfaction, even though you try and try for so many years, but then the life is finished. Then there is no time for purification and no time for practice due to the distractions. It is only the cause of suffering and then life in the lower realms. Even if you were to have sex with all the men in your country, then maybe after that you could try all the men in the USA and if there is no satisfaction, then all the Russians, Chinese, Spanish, Indians, Nepalis and Tibetans. Then after that, if your life is long enough, you could have sex with all the beings in another universe. You could have endless sex with everyone numberless times, with all the numberless sentient beings.

We have been husband and wife numberless times; we have killed, drank the blood, eaten the meat and used the skins of all sentient beings numberless times. For example, the mosquito drinks our blood—this is not strange or frightening—and we drank and ate meat numberless times. The ignorant mind has the wrong concept of permanence, hence we think that this is the first time. From ignorance, we have the wrong concept of I, and we think that everything exists from its own side, even though nothing exists from its own side and everything is merely imputed from the side of the mind.

If there is anything else, please write to me again any time.

With much love and prayers ...

My most dear, most kind, most precious, wish-fulling one,

A billion, zillion times thank you for your kind letter.

Yes, the strong attachment to the monk is also related to past karma, past connection, it can happen. Even if physically they don’t look beautiful, even if they are ugly, but you have a particular interest or attraction to that person, then that is the result of a past connection.

I just remembered a story. One very high-class Tibetan family had a daughter. They were a very rich family, but the daughter somehow left the family and joined with a very poor Indian family in the village, very simple, their house was made with cow dung. The Tibetan family got their daughter back, but then the daughter left again and went back to the very poor Indian family. One time when her family was going down to the village, they saw their daughter working with cow dung, putting wet cow dung on the wall of the house. Somehow she was drawn to that poor family, even though she was very rich and high class. That was due to past life connection.

It is very, very good, a success, that you didn’t have a sexual connection with the monk. That is very, very fortunate, so fortunate, because he is a monk. In this way you had great success that you didn’t make him disrobe, even though you had strong attachment. So now he is the object of your main meditation.

There is a meditation to look at the nature of the object of attachment, which is in the nature of suffering. It is impermanent, in the nature of suffering, empty, no self, not truly existent.

You can meditate on impermanence and also the impurity [of the body.] In every second we’re changing—year by year, month by month, week by week, second by second. Start from that, very small, subtle, so we’re getting older second by second, we’re getting older minute by minute. We’re getting older and decaying hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year; we’re getting wrinkles and signs of old age. So start slowly, slowly.

[Things] appear permanent to our hallucinated mind, we believe they are permanent, but that is a totally wrong concept. We are cheating ourselves, cheating our Dharma practice, which makes attachment arise, then it doesn’t allow us to practice Dharma, our mind does not become Dharma. Also, from that, anger arises. If not anger then ignorance, and from that basis anger arises, then attachment to samsara arises from that. Then we do not achieve renunciation from samsara, which means it blocks us from achieving realizations on the path to nirvana, it blocks us from achieving total liberation from samsara, ultimate happiness.

Also it causes the self-cherishing thought to arise and that blocks bodhicitta—it blocks us from actualizing the Mahayana path, the path to enlightenment, and it blocks us from being able to achieve enlightenment for sentient beings. It blocks us from freeing numberless sentient beings from each realm—freeing them from the oceans of samsaric suffering and bringing them to full enlightenment.

It also causes attachment to this life, attachment to that object, attachment to samsara, so that obscures the mind. It causes us to not realize emptiness, to not see emptiness, shunyata, of the object, so then we are not able to realize emptiness and we cannot cut the root of samsara, ignorance. From beginningless rebirths up to now, we are continuously reborn, die and suffer in the six realms, numberless times up to now. We still have not realized emptiness, but continually follow ignorance, the root of samsara, so then we have to be reborn in samsara and suffer endlessly. The question is, “Do I want that? Do I want liberation? Or do I want samsara?” Ask yourself that question.

You can also think [the body is] impure, dirty. You must think this very strongly. Look at his insides, peel off the skin, then there is blood, flesh, skeleton, nerves. So you take off the skin and put it in one place, then check if you still get attached or not. Without the skin it’s very frightening, even a small amount of blood, even if a needle goes inside and there is a small amount of blood, even that is frightening. Without the skin it is very frightening, very ugly, without going through the skeleton, so think a lot about this. Meditate on this.

The skin, if we take it off and put it separately, doesn’t have any shape like before. Actually like this it becomes very frightening and it changes appearance. We don’t see it like before, then the attachment changes, it stops. Also, we don’t get attached, generally speaking, but maybe it’s still possible if there is very strong attachment, I can’t say.

Now the skin itself, even if it’s on the body, if we look at it with a magnifying glass and see the skin, it looks like hills, so many bumps, not only bumps but hairs growing out of it, kind of very rough. If we look at the skin through a microscope it looks so different. When we don’t look at the skin through a microscope it looks OK. When the person becomes old, the skin has more wrinkles, it starts to change color, it becomes very rough, then there is no more object of attachment; it becomes less and less as the person becomes older.

Also, the smell coming from the body—if we don’t wash the body and don’t use perfume, there is soon a terrible smell. For example, if we don’t wash the mouth and don’t use toothpaste then the smell from inside is like kaka. This proves how dirty we are inside. The smell that comes out is like kaka, even from the mouth. Also, when we become old, we smell. I have smelled this many times from myself and from others—after not washing there is the smell of kaka. This really shows how the body is dirty. Thinking in this way helps to stop attachment.

It is said by Pabongka Rinpoche in Calling the Guru from Afar:

Thinking of this excellent body, highly meaningful and difficult to obtain,
And wishing to take its essence with unerring choice between gain and loss, happiness and suffering—reminds me of you, Guru.

What it is saying is that in every second—even in every second, not only year by year, month by month, hour by hour, but even second by second—we have the choice whether to go to hell or to achieve enlightenment. Whether to go to samsara or nirvana, whether to engage in the resultant happiness or the resultant suffering. Even second by second. Really, this is incredible, incredible. When we think of that, it reminds us of the kindness of the guru.

It is an incredible choice of freedom that we have. So it’s totally crazy, stupid, most foolish and ignorant in every second to take loss and not take profit. As it is mentioned in the lamrim, if we are in the land where we can collect so many wish-granting jewels every second, but then we go back empty-handed without any jewels, we are taking a loss. Here it means like that.

If you don’t understand the meaning of wish-granting jewel, you can think about diamonds, sapphires or a billion dollars. So you are in the place where you can get a billion, zillion dollars, you can pick it up, but you didn’t pick it up and you left empty-handed, so that’s silly. This is without mentioning tantric practice, the quick path to achieve enlightenment in one life. By practicing the paramita path it takes three countless great eons to create the cause of the dharmakaya, the merit of wisdom, and the cause of the rupakaya, the merit of virtue.

The third meditation, the way to think, is that samsaric pleasure is in the nature of suffering, also the suffering of change. Friends or material things, anything, after we receive it, then soon, day by day, week by week, month by month, it becomes more and more boring, we get tired of it, then we want another one. We even want to change our job, even though we were happy there in the beginning.

As we have heard Lama Tsongkhapa say: at first being in the sun is very pleasurable, then it changes and becomes too hot and then it becomes suffering. Then we get in the water, and at first it is very pleasurable then after a little time it becomes suffering, then another suffering. The suffering from the heat stopped and then the suffering of the cold started. So that is called merely labeled pleasure.

So we can see it is not pure happiness, but another suffering. It appears as pleasure but then it becomes another suffering. It’s called pleasure, merely labeled pleasure by the mind, but it is not at all in reality. To our hallucinated mind, right after it is merely labeled, it appears back as a real one, real happiness, existing from its own side, then we trust, or believe, that it exists from its own side, then we get attached, on the basis of that. Then there is attachment if we lose that, or anger arises if something happens to that object of attachment. So it becomes the cause of the lower realms, the cause of samara.

We can see it is only suffering, by checking, analyzing, we see it is suffering, we find out. So in reality there is nothing to be attached to.

Next, the fourth meditation. There is no self, which means no true existence. The object of attraction appears to the mind as if it exists from its own side, a real one. The mind trusts that, believes that, then attachment arises, and so forth. In reality there is no real one, no real object of attachment. The foundation that we believe or trust does not exist from its own side at all, it is totally empty.

Also if you get attached to that monk, to that body, you think, “I want that, I want this body to have sex with,” and so forth, but thinking like that, believing in that real I, which appears to your hallucinated mind and you believe in, if you look for it and check, it’s not there at all, it’s totally empty. You cannot find it from the tip of the hairs down to the toes, nowhere, nor does it exist separately from this body, the aggregates, so that means it doesn’t exist at all. I really want to say, you need to meditate on this.

The merely labeled I exists, but where is it? You cannot find it from the tip of the hairs down to the toes. Of course there is one which exists in the world, suffering in the world, it is where the aggregates are. But you can’t find even that merely labeled I, from the tip of the hairs down to the toes. Meditate on this.

There are two sufferings: the suffering of pain and the suffering of change. Samsaric pleasure comes from the third type of suffering—pervasive compounding suffering. These aggregates are pervaded by suffering because they are under the control of karma and delusion.

Therefore it is very important every day, every minute, for the mind to be in the meditation on renunciation of samsara, bodhicitta and right view, so that nothing becomes the cause of samsara, as much as possible.

Then to actualize the path. It is very important to have realizations of the path, then we will achieve the direct perception of emptiness from this and the seed of delusions can be ceased. When there is no delusion, there is no karma, there is no cause of suffering, so there won’t be suffering. We are free from the oceans of samsaric suffering forever and the mind is in a blissful state of peace.

This pervasive suffering, because of the contaminated seed of delusion, continues the consciousness from past lives, so it’s compounding, after ignorance compounded this life’s suffering and compounded the future lives’ suffering and rebirth.

As our mind is not in realization, not in the meditation on renunciation, bodhicitta and right view, then [we follow] ignorance, and after ignorance, comes attachment and anger. Ignorance, not knowing what is right or wrong, then we create karma, which leaves an imprint for the next life, then again we have to be reborn in samsara, then the next life suffering and again the next life suffering, and so on, like that.

This is the main suffering that Buddhists should get renunciation from—understanding how this is in the nature of suffering. Once we get renunciation of this, total renunciation of this, then we actualize the path and we can become free from this pervasive compounding suffering, as well as the two other sufferings, so we are able to achieve liberation from samsara. Of course, there is enlightenment to achieve for sentient beings.

Thank you very much. I am very happy you expressed your feelings, your difficulties. I am very, very happy to help you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to answer you quickly; it took time. I am very sorry.

With much love and best wishes ...

We enjoy the views of the worldly mind, then at the end is deathtime. This is what I think. It is all so much suffering and creating the cause of suffering again.

The way you are thinking is right—usually each individual has had sex with everyone in world, generally, but they don't know that. From beginning rebirths we have had sex with every sentient being; there is no one that we haven't had sex with. If we don't practice Dharma, if we don't realize the four noble truths, then we have to experience the six realm sufferings again, limitless times.

Even people in the world who have high degrees in science don't know this. I can't say everybody, but generally they don’t know this and they think that it is the first time. They think it is the greatest pleasure, then via attachment the suffering of samsara becomes endless, then again people in the world have so much suffering due to the obscured mind, until they meet Dharma and meditate well, otherwise they do not understand.

Thank you.

Meanwhile there are eight Mahayana precepts that you can take. That is extremely good, especially if done with bodhicitta. It is really unbelievable what you can do to benefit sentient beings in this world and in your country; it’s really, really good to take [the eight Mahayana precepts] as much as you can. It's fantastic.

When you have very negative thoughts, thinking that “Nobody loves me, no one cares for me,” and so on, you have so much unhappiness that is made by your own mind. You have had that very unhappy mind for a long time. You think that the numberless buddhas and bodhisattvas don’t love you, they don't care for you; that you are completely left out, that they let you suffer. This shows that you don’t have renunciation. You have no renunciation of attachment, nor bodhicitta or emptiness.

Actually the buddhas and bodhisattvas cherish you one hundred thousand times more than you love yourself. If they did not love you and cherish you, then you would not be a human being this time, not even that. All these virtues could not be done and so much benefit to sentient beings would not happen, you would not have all this Dharma education and so forth. So much, so much, so much.

It is important to understand that those who are living in renunciation—the meditators, monks, nuns and also lay people—have inner peace and happiness. Renunciation means to renounce attachment to this life, to future lives, to samsara. They don’t feel that “Nobody loves me.” They are satisfied because they have inner peace and happiness. The stronger the renunciation, the more peace and happiness inside. Many people do not know this and they think that bringing presents, flowers and cakes makes them sooooo happy.

Generating the two bodhicittas, loving kindness and compassion, is not attachment. Just as a mother cherishes her child, in this way the meditator cherishes all sentient beings—numberless hell beings, preta beings, animals, humans, suras, asuras and intermediate state beings—and generates the precious thought to achieve full enlightenment for all mother sentient beings. From this there are skies of happiness and peace.

This is very important news, which can be very helpful for many other people, students and general people. The sadness, feeling alone, that no one loves you, comes from attachment to this life. That's why we need renunciation. This is the antidote to bring inner peace and happiness. It means the mind will become pure Dharma.

Drogön Tsangpa Gyare, who is the savior of transmigratory beings, said:

We must not lose the auspicious connection with the valid perfect one. Even if we lose auspicious connection with everyone else, let it happen. But if we lose the connection with the valid perfect one, then even if all transmigratory beings become our relatives, what is the use of that?